


Lovesick Fool

by Give_Me_A_Shance



Series: Songs of Malec [1]
Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Lovers to Friends, M/M, Mentioned Lydia Brawnwell, Mentioned Max Lightwood, Post-Break Up, Reference to Page 511, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Spoilers For Book 5: City of Lost Souls, Spoilers for page 511, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal!Alec, Suicide Attempt, Worried!Izzy, worried!Jace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-22 20:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10704810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Give_Me_A_Shance/pseuds/Give_Me_A_Shance
Summary: AU where no one knew Alec was with Magnus specifically, which is probably confusing. Alec's reaction to the break-up on page 511 (Which I wish didn't exist.) Not too much about this, it's written around the song Lovesick Fool - The Cab. If you don't know the song, it's about the feelings and thoughts and go through one's head after a break-up. This is one clip of a 3 part series of song fics following a non-cannon storyline of Malec. The only cannon in this fic is the quote of page 511 of City of Lost Souls, otherwise it's nothing like it. Spoilers for page 511 ahead.





	Lovesick Fool

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lostinthestorm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lostinthestorm/gifts).



> Hey, guys. This is my first post on AO3, but not my first time writing by any means. I've made this note to WARN you. This may not be too dark, but Alec does experience suicidal thoughts and attempts to commit suicide. If you get easily upset from things like that, I 'd kindly suggest not to read this. It isn't particularly heavy thoughts, but thoughts none the less. If you have problems with these problems, there are people everywhere willing to help. Other than that, this is part one of a trilogy of song fics for the pairing Malec. Hope you enjoy! <3

He stared at the photo, a hallow feeling forming in his chest. He grips the frame lightly, a tear dropping onto the glass and distorting the image slightly.

_Who are you? You’re looking like a stranger._

The parting fresh in his mind, the pain in his chest taking deep root as the memory flashes in his mind:

**Softly, Magnus said, “Aku cinta kamu.”**

**“What does that mean?” Magnus disentangled himself from Alec’s grip.**

**“It means I love you. Not that that changes anything.”**

**“But if you love me-”**

**“Of course I do. More than I thought I would. But we’re still done,” Magnus said. “It doesn’t change what you did.”**

_You were once my love and my savior._

He stumbled into the bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed. He grabbed one of the pillows and held it close to his chest.

He could still smell sandalwood and lavender, the smell of _his_ cologne. As he went to put his face into the pillow he saw a glimmer. He pulled the pillow away from his body and took a moment to stare at it. There on the pillow was smudges of glitter, the same glitter that used to be on _his_ eyes.

_Now I’m left with nothing but your makeup on my pillow._

He got up and turned off the lights, taking a deep sigh. ‘Maybe some sleep will help,’ he thought as he walked to the bed, laying down.

He held the pillow tightly, not bothering to cover himself. He tossed and turned, unable to fall asleep without him next to _him_.

He grabbed a small bottle on the bedside table. They rattled as he opened them, letting two fall into his hand. He threw his head back and let the pills slid down his throat. They haven’t helped yet, but he can’t stop trying. These nightmares have been wearing him down, his will to go through everyday falling away like petals of a rose. It’s all becoming black and white.

_And I can’t sleep, the pills they never helped. Tried counting sheep, still hurts like hell. I can’t believe this rose has lost it's red and it's petal._

\--

The next morning after Alec got finished with his morning routine, he found a white ribbon on the bed, where _he_ used to sleep. ‘White for mourning.. What a twist.’

He tied it snugly to his wrist and continued to the Institute.

“Where have you been? We’ve has been looking for you, Alec.” Jace greeted immediately when he got inside. Alec rolled his eyes.

“I was out, stop acting like you care. We both know you only care about Clary anymore.” He scoffed, bumping shoulders with him as he stormed past.

On his way to the practice room he was stopped by Izzy. “Big brother, what’s wrong? Jace told me you snapped at him earlier.”

He could tell her concern was genuine, that she really was worried. Unfortunately, he just couldn’t bring himself to care. Right now, he wasn’t feeling anything. The pain from last night gone with the moon. “Nothing, Izzy. Just a bad night,” he mumbled, trying to get past her without having to explain.

She was having none of that. “I know you better than that, Alec.” She had a serious tone, “Did they do something?”

He knew the underlined meaning of that question:

_Who put that rock in your chest, won’t you tell me?_

He tried to pass by her again, this time she let him past. He continued on his path to the training room undisturbed.

When he got there, he saw something he didn’t need to. Jace and Clary had just pressed lips, oblivious to everything. As he turned to leave, he saw Jace break away and chase after him with a shout.

Alec had gotten to the dorm hallways before he got a rough tug on his shoulder.

“What the hell was that, Alec?! You’ve been acting weird since last night.” Jace was yelling, yet it sounded so far away.

This whole mess had brought up old feelings, feelings he shouldn’t have for his _Parabatai_.

“Alec! Are you even listening?!” Jace now had a worried face, his grip on his shoulder loosening.

“No, sorry. Didn’t mean to disturb your time with _Clary_.” He spit out the name with so much spite, it was as if it was acid.

He didn’t notice the hurt and confused face Jace had, but heard his whisper. “I thought you didn’t mind that me and Clary were together?”

Alec had one thought run through his head:

_If I said I wished you the best, I was lying._

“No, it’s just... Nothing you’d understand. Go be happy with Clary.” He couldn’t let Jace see him upset. He’s supposed to be strong. Not crying over a break up.

He broke out of his grip and began walking again, not stopping until he had slammed the door to his room shut.

He slid to the floor, tears welling up in his eyes. The sight of the room he hasn’t used since _he_..... ‘Dammit! He’s everywhere. He’s left me with nothing but memories.. Painful memories.’

He sobbed, pulling his knees to his chest.

_Waking up just brings me down. Cause every morning morning you are nowhere to be found._

He looked at the bed, not seeing the bed he hasn’t used in months but the bed he’s shared with the love of his life until this point. How he wasn’t there last night.

_And our bed is half empty not half full. I’d rather live with broken bones, then lay here all on my own like a lovesick fool._

His sobs quieted down as he whispered his realization: “ _Like a **lovesick fool**_.”

He lightly banged his head against the door, trying blink away his tears. They ran down his face and he’s reminded of their times together.

He rubbed his thumb against his cheek, “You have such beautiful eyes, Alexander. I could get lost in them forever.” 

Alec blushed at his words, leaning into his touch. “Hey, Magnus.” he started, “Will you stay with me for my forever?” 

He knew the question was silly, that Magnus lived forever- far longer than himself. Maybe he’d get bored of him once got old, but his pessimistic thought process was cut off by the real answer. 

“I’ll stay with you forever, Alexander. I’ll never leave you. You’re my home, my other half.” 

_Where’d you go? You said you’ll never leave me._

He feels so alone in the quiet room, no traces of him or his lover- the other half of his soul. He fell asleep against the door, swearing that he could hear him in his ear.

_All alone, my heart is barely beating. Like a ghost you haunt me every day that you’re gone._

\--

The next few day no one in the Institute heard a word out of Alec other than orders for missions.

He was going insane without _him, without Magnus_.

He never looked anyone in the eyes anymore, as though he found the floor more interesting. He heard the whispers, the reoccuring questions, but he didn’t have the heart to tell them. He didn’t blame Mag- _him_. He blamed himself, he must’ve done something wrong. He messed up with Lydia, and now with him. He still remembered her pained face, he knew now what she was thinking.

_Who put that rock in your chest, won’t you tell me? If I said I wished you the best, I was lying._

Every night he had the same questions- those questions that sprung tears to his eyes and brought an aching throb to his chest. Those questions keep him up at night, leaving him tossing and turning for hours.

_Am I a lovesick fool? Or am I human?_

After a week he had gotten tired of the stares, the tears, the pain- all of it. It was a night near the end of December, he stood on the edge of the roof of the Institute. He looked out, the town hazy with light and moving cars.

Life moved on, while he couldn’t. _Magnus_ meant too much to him. He lost his will to try and repair the shattered remains of his heart.

He was one step away from ending it all, from leaving the torturous pain of heartbreak.

He thought about Max and Izzy. They both truly loved and cared about him, and he thinks that this week was hard on the both of them; as well as himself.

He was tired. physically and mentally. He knew this would destroy them, but he was already destroyed. He didn’t think they deserved to deal with a mess like him.

His mind went to Jace. He was finally happy with someone- with Clary.

Alec didn’t hate Clary, she was actually a sweet girl. She was still getting used to the world she was abruptly thrown into by her father.

She was strong, and that was what Jace needed. A strong independent partner that could fight by his side.

He thought about their Parabatai rune- the connection it brought- and his heart began to ache. He knew when he was gone, Jace would be the first to know. The burning, excruciating pain of the rune fading.

All of these thing he had thought about, but they hadn’t swayed him. He still firmly believed that he needed to do this. For everyone.

He took a deep breath, the cold New York air burning his throat. Or maybe that was the tears. For now, he’ll blame the chilled air. He exhaled, his breath coming out as a puff. If the situation were different, he would’ve smiled.

He had delayed it for too long, he had to do it before the others notice his absence. He steeled his nerves that were now shaking, and took the final step.

As he fell, he closed his eyes. A strange peace had blanketed him, giving him a feeling he hasn’t experienced in a while.

He felt **happy**.

The cold air rushed past him, ruffling his hair. The drop should be ending soon. Except it didn’t end like he expected.

During the fall he had heard a shout, distorted by the wind in his ears, but he could’ve sworn he made out “Alexander!” A few second after the yell, he had felt him self stop.

The ground wasn’t what stopped him, he thought as he tentatively opened his eyes. He saw something he swore he would never again.

He saw Magnus, holding him with tears in his eyes. Magnus had caught him- Magnus was _here_. A burning had started behind his eyes as he wrapped his arms around his love’s neck. A gave a loud sob before he buried his face into his chest. He could barely hear Magnus’ whisper over his sobs. “It’s all okay, I’ve got you.”

Alec pulled from his chest after a while, just staring at Magnus’ eyes. They were the eyes he came to love, his warlock mark. The golden-green cat eyes were red and puffy, drying after some tears. He felt his heart throb helplessly as he stared. The last thought he had before closing the distance between them and pressed against his lips had echoed through his head.

_Like a **lovesick fool**._


End file.
